I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
