I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
