My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
