and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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