maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How's work?
Spinning.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
