do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
