I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
