i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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