So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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