Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
