bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
