im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
40s are totally the cure
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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