My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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