my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
