drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
