I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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