Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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