I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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