I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
