And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
