can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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