Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
