Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
