I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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