So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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