I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
