I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
