dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
