Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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