if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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