We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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