i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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