I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize