i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
