Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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