dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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