Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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