i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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