i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
