I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
