it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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