Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
