Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
