I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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