I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the day after is always just damage control
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
