Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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