Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just found a bag of teeth...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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