My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
