I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
