i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my being single is dangerous.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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