My liver just broke up with me...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
