She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
