If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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