i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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