I wish I could punch you in the face.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
