I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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