"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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