one might say we're banned from that church
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
