apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize