Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
