Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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